Before my current relationship I had no idea of all the different ways a partnership could take form. Sure, I'd heard about swinging and open relationships, about polygamy and how practically every guy yearns for threesomes, but those were all terms said in jest and without knowing what the differences were or all the variations that exist in between. Since dating A., I've not only learned and appreciated the different ways a loving relationship could exist, but also questioned my own traditional upbringing on what a relationship should look like.A few friends of ours introduced me to the world of polyamory in which couples are free to fall in love with others and it's been interesting watching other's experiences with that lifestyle. Although A. and I have no interest in pursuing relationships with other people (one is quite enough for the both of us), we openly talk about our thoughts on the subject - and other varieties of intimate relationships - fairly frequently. And with news that the polygamous stars of TLC's reality show Sister Wives are filing a lawsuit Wednesday against Utah to make their lifestyle legal, we thought we'd chime in on the subject. Here's what we each have to say about polyamory.
{He says} Polyamory can mean a lot of things, depending on the situation. A couple may incorporate a third (unicorn) into their already-strong relationship, or one member of the couple may maintain extra-curricular "dating" relationships outside of their main one. Further, relationships could hypothetically span a wide range of people, each having their own bond with one another. The trend, though, is not toward stability.
Because polyamory is only starting to spread, I hesitate to make a general statement about it that might offend its staunch supporters, but alas, I must be honest. The only successful long-term polyamorous relationships I've seen have been triads that start out as a solid companionship between two people. Every other aspect of polyamory that I've seen has been fleeting and temporary. That isn't to say that it can't happen, but the lifestyle lends itself more to exploration than longevity.
Personally, the thought of kindling another relationship on top of the one I already have makes my palms sweat. Maybe I'd feel differently if Dorkys wasn't such a handful. Who knows? As it is, I wouldn't turn down the opportunity to flirt and play with others together with no strings, but franchising the relationship would stretch my resources too thin.
{She says} My first thoughts when I hear about polyamorous relationships deal with jealousy. How don't the people involved feel threatened? I'm sure it could work, but only if every link in the chain is safe, honest and checks their ego at the door otherwise girls will end up crying when he spends more time with one instead of the other. Or at least I know I would.I also wonder how deeply they can all love one another in the initial stages. Where do they find the time and energy it takes to build something meaningful in multiple relationships? I know some poly people feel restricted by idea that once you fall in love with someone, you're forbidden to feel the same for another person. I understand that, but at the end of the day, I like having my one go-to person and learning how to compromise and figure out the puzzle that is this sole relationship. Because I've no other choice (other than breaking up and finding someone else, of course), I'm forced to learn what makes him tick, what ticks me off and how we can become a better fit for each other. This isn't to say other things are off limits, just that at the end of it all, we'd rather just come home to each other.
Still, it's beautiful to see people pursuing and giving love with no qualms about what society deems appropriate or not and I admire their ability to put aside any insecurities to do so. The first time I attended one of their events, I smiled at the thought that everyone's just trying to find what suits them and makes them happy whether it'd be for the moment or something long-lasting. It's obviously not for everyone, but just because it's not doesn't mean it's wrong.
What do you think about polyamory? What would it take for a consensual non-monogamous relationship to truly work?
Images: informationisbeautiful.net and tacit.livejournal.com