"If you really wanted it, wouldn't you have done it already?"
She was referring to all the goals I keep going on about, always complaining about why my dreams haven't come true yet and the issues that I still haven't managed to overcome. She was right, if I really wanted these things as much as I keep saying I do, then why haven't I done them by now?
As I walked out and made my way back home I considered how tired she must be of hearing all my reasons for not changing my circumstances. Here I am blaming her for not directing me through my life choices instead of just taking responsibility or taking action myself. There's only so much she can do. She can help me figure out the root of my insecurities, the why behind my flaws, but she can't live my life for me. If I want to feel better, that's going to be all on Dorkys.
So I became a quitter because after a while you just get tired of yourself, you know?
I quit being scared of what could happen if I make a decision - any decision. I'm working on not going to everyone for advice instead of trusting my own tastes. If I like something and it makes me happy then that's what I'll go with. Feedback is great and I'll still seek out intelligent criticisms, but gone are the days when other's opinions automatically override my own. People pleasing hasn't brought me too far because I'll just never make everybody happy. That's quite all right. It makes the decision-making stages go by a lot quicker when each draft doesn't need to be approved by so many.
Last Thursday, I woke up and without giving it another thought I registered my limited liability company with the state. I'd been talking about it for so long that I needed to finally shut the hell up and bring to life the little dream that will not die - managing my own creative business. I'll be doing a soft launch of holiday cards soon and then prep for a 2013 debut. So stay tuned for updates on that journey as I figure it all out.
I also quit being so wrapped up in my hair. There's no reason why I should hold on so tightly to something that'll eventually grow right back. I've been wanting a different look, but the thought of ending up with a botched cut was enough to keep from taking the leap. So after hearing enough excuses about why I should just settle for how I am despite being unhappy with it, I'd had enough and made an appointment with Bumble and bumble (asking for the best curly hair stylist they had because, I said, "I don't want to be traumatized."). The experience turned out to be really pleasant and Carrie knew just what to do. Each snip had a purpose and she skillfully worked and styled my hair until I walked out with a bouncy head of curls instead of the mop I had before. I've finally found someone who won't make me anxious when she approaches with the scissors.
A. was pushing for me to keep my long locks, but I knew I wanted to chop it off so shorter I went. Once he saw the final result and how awesome I looked rocking out to a MarchFourth Marching Band show that night, he was happy I did, too. Want to see?
Image: etsy.com