Relaxing and sleeping just raises my anxiety levels because I feel guilty and lazy, which allows me to enjoy neither. (In fact, sleep deprivation and anxiety are quite connected.) If I'm not making progress, I'm standing still and standing still means I'm not propelling myself anywhere. In New York City, it feels like the entire world is in perpetual motion. You're rushed along with the rush regardless of whether you've someplace to go or not. You're speeding, running, zooming, breathlessly weaving your way through the crowds to get to...where? Sometimes I feel that if I just stand still, I'll either get trampled by the masses or just watch the world leave me behind.
I grew up with the notion that I'll have to work until the day I die in order to survive in this country. This work ethic, instilled in me by immigrant parents who wanted better for their children, can be a killer, but also satisfying. For the past month leading up to Porcupine Hugs' market debut at the Artists & Fleas in Brooklyn, I had been up to neck in card designs, display props, packaging materials, and getting the word out about last weekend's event. Last week, I thought I'd lose my mind from the stress and doubted my ability to even become a successful entrepreneur when my medical bills keep piling on. "I've no business owning my own company when I have other financial concerns," I told myself. In my mind, it would have been better to stop investing in this thing I loved in order to be a "responsible adult." Besides, who decides to start their own business when they're slowly descending into debt?
Who the hell cares.
This past weekend I realized that I was in my element. Not only did I see all my hard work and long nights come together, but I spent two whole days chatting with all kinds of interesting characters. People from out of town who stopped in on their way to the Renegade Craft Fair up the block, foreigners with tales of markets overseas, and stories from other creatives who wanted to know more about my process and in turned shared theirs. Jenelle Montilone of TrashN2Tees, whom I'd only recently "met" through the #omhg chat, even popped in for a visit while she was in town. My spirit was zooming just after the first day. I was proud of myself and elated that others appreciated my work because it made the insanity that preceded it completely worth it.
That said, I really need to get on that whole work-life balance dream. While I had no problems holing myself up in my apartment, I also craved oxygen, exercise, sunlight, play. Yet I consistently deprived myself of these things because I'd convinced myself that work was more important than those frivolous pursuits. I know for a fact that had I attempted any or allowed myself a moment to do nothing in the middle of the storm, I wouldn't have felt the calm. I would have just wanted to dash right into the winds and continue ignoring my spirit's yell for quiet.