Jumping Over Puddles

My dad is convinced that I'm going to be eternally disappointed in life and sometimes I wonder if he's right. I admit I expect too much from others or at the very least expect the same things I expect of myself: respect, commitment, self-awareness, honesty. Not everyone lives by those same rules, he says. And sometimes I let my mind dash off instead of focusing on the facts laid out before me, which often leads to heightened expectations.

Last month, I had to let go of a friend I'd considered my bestie for nearly 17 years. It was no easy decision, but after I'd realized how anxious the relationship made me feel and how often I excused her behavior, I knew I had to cut the chord. And despite the colorful language that came flying at me afterwards, I still wish her well, I still wonder how she's doing, and I still wish things had turned out differently.

Finding a new home for Toby has also been laced with disappointments and false promises from people who'd string me along. "Why can't people commit?!" I grrrr'ed. After accommodating the schedules of two potentials only to be left hanging in midair, I was ready to give up on my third prospect - a 73-year-old woman who regularly finds loving homes for dogs through her organization Earth Angels Canine Rescue. She seemed perfect and had the experience to handle Toby's growing health problems herself, but pinning down a time for her to come over was such a hassle. Sickness, a dead phone, and hectic volunteer schedule were just some of the reasons why I was stood up two days in a row and when three hours ticked past the time we'd set for Sunday, I was ready to tear into her.

"It's all a test," A. had suggested, "to see if you're a kind and patient person."

Sure enough, when she came to pick up Toby, I had melted back to human and scratched off her previous transgressions. Plus, I didn't want to waste any time being annoyed with someone who was probably just doing the best they could.

There's another letdown though that I'm still working through. A. and I had planned to move in together this spring, but after starting the apartment hunt we realized that we weren't ready just yet and decided to hold off. I had wrapped up so much into this milestone that I failed to see the missing pieces. I was also determined that what happened with Mr. First in 2008 wouldn't happen again - to find myself signing a lease only to let it all go (thousands of dollars included) and break up shortly after. A terrible motivation that probably added to my stress and while I felt slightly relieved when we decided to push it aside, I was still sad about it.

So I could continue to be disappointed - with him, with myself - that this didn't happen yet or I could choose to move past it and just appreciate each moment for what it is. I've always admired those who've been able to let things roll off their shoulder, the ones who live and learn, who stumble over obstacles, but dust themselves off and keep it moving. Five years ago, I was wiped completely off my feet and let the water pull me under for what felt like forever. This time though? I'm focusing on leaping over the puddles. I will not drown again.

Image: dancersamongus.com

New Year's Wishes

This morning, A. woke me up and asked me, "Do you remember where you were a year ago?"

"In Thailand, surprising you for New Year's Eve."

Standing here on Dec. 31st, I can honestly say that despite all the sucky bits, 2012 was a good year. I traveled to Asia, San Antonio, Alabama, California, Virginia Beach, Miami and drove around the U.S. in an RV with four friends and a stranger. I played with white tiger cubs and busted my ass to make A. a wonderful birthday present. I turned 30 and started my own stationery company. I developed a liking to new bands, new friends, and fun hobbies. I took burlesque and photo classes and discovered that gambling simply isn't my thing. I cut my hair! I said I liked girls. Toby popped back into my life and 20 years after she made a beautiful mark on my childhood, my fifth grade teacher found me again.

I pushed myself. I stumbled. I dusted myself off. I grew.

As the clock strikes midnight I'll be wishing for strength and acceptance. I'll be wishing for light when the hopelessness arrives and the reminder that while this new weirdness is now a piece of me, it is not my entire existence. I hope to finally learn how to be gentle with myself and realize that it's okay if I put myself first, if I treat myself kindly, if I laugh while I cry, if I yell, if I squeal, if I do nothing. I wish for patience with those who only seek to love me in whichever way they know how. I wish for peace with whatever comes next.

Here's hoping the mountains we currently find ourselves up against turn out to be nothing but hills in the rearview mirror. Happy 2013. Here's hoping it is so.

Images: weddingchicks.com

So Let Me Tell You About Toby

Two years ago I made the tough decision of giving my dog Toby away. The time, stress, and costs of being a dog owner were proving to be more than I could handle at the time and I felt guilty that I wasn't providing him with the attention and care he needed. So in early November 2010, I gave him to a cousin of a friend convincing myself that it was for the best despite how torn I felt about the whole thing. I cried for days, heard his tags still jingling around the house long after he'd left, and up until recently, kept finding his fur clinging the corners of my home. After several attempts to reach out to his new owner for updates and photos were met with silence, I figured she was busy with three dogs and a personal health issue of her own and simply tried to get on with life.

Fast forward to last Wednesday when a phone call wakes me up alerting me that Toby was found wandering the streets of Brooklyn with my tags still on his collar. Cue the anxiety, the stress, and most of all questions. Where's the owner? Is she frantically looking for him? How'd he get to Brooklyn if I'd sent him an hour north of the city? Luckily, the family who took him in was a kind one who kept me in the loop, but there were children involved and I was worried they'd get attached to him before I could bring him home.

Come to find out - 12 hours later, by the way - that the woman had given him to her brother-in-law who lives in BK, but he'd yet to respond to her queries about the missing dog. She kept mentioning how confused she was over the situation while I kept it short and stern and asked why my information was still on the dog two years after I gave him away. Would he be tagless had it not been for the ones I'd left on his collar? Something just didn't sit right and while I still didn't have all the pieces to the story, I knew I had to go pick Toby up and bring him back.

I was so stressed I barely slept or ate the night before. Thursday morning I was still a nervous wreck. Will he remember me? Is he still the excitable, yappy little dog that barked day and night? Where will he live? Will the other owners fight for him? And for some reason I worried most about his nails. That night I dreamt they grew so long they curled under his paw and pierced him right through. When I arrived at that front door Thursday afternoon, I was upset to discover that my fear came partly true. Not only had Toby gained so much weight, but some of his nails curled around and around and had embedded into his paw making it a struggle to walk just a few feet. How he'd manage to travel five miles when he can barely make it down the block now is beyond me, but no wonder he's so pooped these days.

Still, after the initial shock over his transformation, I was thrilled to have him back in my arms. He even gifted me with a new fur coat on the drive back. And I know the chunker remembers his family. He licked my face as soon as he saw me, still follows me around the house, and cries if I leave him behind. We certainly never forgot him all this time.

"I'm sorry," I whispered as he looked up at me on the car ride home, panting and trembling just as he did the day I placed him in the back seat of his new owner's car.

I'm sorry for whatever promises weren't fulfilled and any hardships you have endured - including the possibility of having contracted Lyme disease. I'm sorry I didn't suss out these new people before handing you over or that I didn't go with my gut when I worried about you. But I'm also sorry that I still don't know if I can be your forever home because it's going to suck to give you away a second time around.

Happy Friday!

Happy Friday, peeps! Today I have so many links for you; they've been gathering up in my bookmark folder for a while now! Hope it keeps you busy for a few days while I run off to enjoy my weekend with some coffee shop writing, a Saturday afternoon brunch at The Sunburnt Calf on the Upper West Side, and then partying with some nerdy hooligans.

It seems like a bunch of the bloggers I follow have run off to the Alt Design Summit this week and I've been keeping up with their news bits and feedback via Twitter. Have you every attended a blogger conference before? I'm wondering if I should go to one (preferably one right here in NYC). It'd be great to meet some of these personalities in real life and connect with the people behind the websites, don't you think? Plus, some of the speakers sound so inspiring, just the quick tweets and quotes are giving me many ideas.

1. What happens when you leave a bike locked to a street post in NYC and take a photo of it for 365 days.
2. Simple and charming biz cards.
3. An "aww" goes out to these little measuring cups.
4. Fifty-two acts of kindness.
5. A modern wooden dollhouse.
6. Free printable planners and checklists for your week, cleaning to-do's, blogging, and menus.
7. A robot tea infuser.
8. Try this trick the next time you dine with friends who can't stop checking their phones. (via A.)
9. Pinwheels! (Is it spring yet??) And I LOVE this surprise lantern project.
10. This bulldog puppy nearly frustrated me. But yay, a month later he finally learned to roll over on his own.
11. Advice from the elderly about finishing your life with no regrets. (via my sis, Dama)
12. Proenza Schouler's medium suede totes are so nice, but holy jeebus who the hell pays $1,595 for a bag?!
13. Dragon scales cards from Wit & Whistle. (via Claudia's Pinterest board) And hey, you are sweeter than...

Images: all from linked sources

An Update on Toby

Soon after I hit publish on the last entry about Toby, I received a text message from Anonymous saying that Toby was doing well. "Apparently he has a bff now and only likes to sleep on the bed," she wrote.

See, Toby's new owner is Anonymous' brother's girlfriend's cousin (follow?) so at least there's some distant connection there. I'd called last month to check in on how he'd been adjusting, but hadn't heard back...until last night when a picture message of the little black furball arrived on my phone, tongue hanging out as always. I learned that he was very happy and spoiled and that he was helping his new owner get through a difficult health issue.

That sounds about right. Toby's like a hairy little therapist and I'm glad that in some way he's helping someone else cope with life's obstacles the way he helped me. And for that he totally deserves being pampered, cuddled with and spoiled to pieces.